


Hot Hottie Hall of Hotness

by swordPrincess



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-07
Updated: 2013-11-07
Packaged: 2017-12-31 17:56:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1034663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swordPrincess/pseuds/swordPrincess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Home of the Hot Hotties.</p><p>(More seriously, AU where Dirk and Dave are twins and Jake and Jade are cousins that just transferred to their school. Cafeteria shenanigans and awkward attempts at friendship and/or flirting follow.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hot Hottie Hall of Hotness

**Author's Note:**

> There was some kind of suggestion for maybe something like this on tumblr awhile back, but I'll I remember about it distinctly was that Dirk and Dave were twins and that these pairings were involved. I couldn't find the post when I thought of it again, so I just did a thing. Sorry to whoever it was if they find this. Or alternatively, you're welcome, if you happen to like it.

Jade and Jake did not get the apparently school-wide memo to avoid the Strider twins at all costs. Although, perhaps it really wasn't a memo at all, but rather just a shared tendency created from the collective experience of having gone to school with them for years. Something the cousins were deprived of, having just transferred in after having spent time being homeschooled on their Grandparents' private island.

Whatever the case may have been in regards to the hypothetical memo, they had no foreknowledge to think of reason to turn down a chat with the duo when they skipped back in the lunch line in order to be friendly with the new kids.

"So why do you guys live with your grandparents anyway?" Dave asked in lieu of a proper introduction or greeting. "Did your parents die in a tragic accident? Was it the mob? Bet they made it look like an accident. I'd be fucking suspicious, if I were you. You never know with this shit." He had a sort of soft way of rambling, as if he was unsure of how loud he had to speak but enjoyed talking regardless. He was just barely audible at close range in the busy cafeteria. Jade might have asked him to repeat a few lines if she thought what he was saying made any kind of sense even in completely clarity. "Orphaned tragically, like Batman," he continued. "Hey, bright side, you could take up the life of a caped crusader. What do you think about that?"

Jade held laughter behind a hand while she shuffled forward in line. Jake just looked confused. "Um...what? Our parents aren't dead," he stated a bewildered voice, eyebrows knit.

"Oh." Dave's wheels had to start turning again before he could come up with another theory to spiel. "Why the fuck do you live with your grandparents then? Did-"

"They just have a lot of money and our parents think we are better off this way," Jade cut him off, although she still seemed amused at least.

"Harsh," Dave commented. "The old pawn the kids off to the relatives routine."

Jake reached out to grab some things onto his tray. "I don't believe it's like that at all," Jake said and turned back around to face the chattery boy. "Quite frankly, it is simply capital that our grandparents have been willing to take us on. They are the bee's fucking knees if you ask me."

There was just enough of a pause at the end of his statement to be noticeably awkward, and then it was Dirk that finally spoke, "Alone with your grandparents, huh?"

"We had tv and internet and everything," Jade put in before Jake could respond with either confusion or offense. "Jake is just..." she didn't say 'weird'. "Well, he really likes the sort of adventure movies that take place in the earlier 1900's. I guess..."

Jake turned to his cousin now, although they were nearing the end of the line. "What's that supposed to mean? I like lots other really great picks, too! For instance," and here he turned back to the Striders with a grin, "the absolute friggin masterpiece that is James Cameron's Avatar." There was an impression that made all that were looking at him understand exactly why an artist would draw stars in someone's eyes.

Dave choked on a laugh. "Seriously?"

"It's crap, but then I don't even think it's shitty enough to even like ironically," Dirk said, although his tone sounded more academic than derisive. "Unless it was for a joke about liking blue furry porn." He cocked one eyebrow at Jake. "Do you like blue furry porn, Jake?"

Jake's eyebrows knit together, his grin transformed into a grimace and his shoulders bunched up. "It is not blue furry porn!" He yelled out, causing everyone in the vicinity to stare at him, including the lunch ladies. He gulped at the sudden attention and seemed to shrink.

Dave raised his hands to his chest and edged himself between his brother and the boy. "Yo, dude, chillax. I apologize for my bro's complete lack of social skills," at this Dirk looked at him sharply and said "Excuse you?", but Dave had already barreled on like it was imperative he say as much as possible on the same breath, "but we didn't come here to antagonize you. The opposite really. Like, protagonize you, or something. We wanted to invite you into our club."

Jake's brows were still furrowed, but he seemed to have relaxed. Jade raised both of her eyebrows. "A club?" she asked.

"Yeah," Dave went on, "like a club. It's called the Hot Hottie Hall of Hotness. Home of the hot hotties. Super exclusive. Like, all the trendy nightclubs in New York and LA ain't got shit on us. Most exclusive club ever. Very tough criteria. But we've decided that you've got what it takes. To be one of the hot hotties. Because we like...like you." He reddened a tiny bit and his face lost some of its passivity. "I mean, not like that. Not that we wouldn't like that. Like, hotties and all. But like, I mean we like what we see...I mean. Shit. I mean you seem cool. To the super exclusive eyes of the executive board and therefore..."

"Dave," Dirk finally relieved him of his spiraling trail of embarrassment and doom.

"Yeah?"

"You should have told me you had a fucking foot fetish earlier, I could have made you one, sewn or robotic, your choice. It could be your very own to keep in your mouth at all times and save you the trouble of constantly shoving one up there."

Well, perhaps he didn't relieve Dave of any embarrassment after all.

They reached the checkout at this point, and the Striders finally paid for the food they'd retrieved before they'd spotted the newcomers and skipped back to the end of the line. They waited while the cousins paid and came back up to them before they could get away or figure out where to sit.

Dirk spoke again, "So here's the deal. Dave spouted all his shitty nonsense and maybe I wasn't the most welcoming, and I'm sorry for that. But we were basically just inviting you to sit with us. It's cool if you don't want to. There's no contracts, blood pacts, ritual sacrifices or game show questionnaires. And the only rule is you don't talk about fight club. Well, except if you want to talk about the themes and interpretation of that particular piece of fiction, because it's actually really fucking rad."

"So what do you say? Will you join the Hot Hotties?" Dave added as a perhaps somewhat ill-advised attempt to resurrect his earlier proposition.

Jake looked uncertain, but a smile curled up on Jade's lips. "We're in!" she announced.

Jake's eyebrows made an abrupt flip from inward uncertainty to popped up surprise. "We are?" he questioned.

"Sweet," Dave said, taking Jade's agreement and her hand before Jake's question could be answered and he could do anything accept follow or be left behind. Dirk fell back to Jake and watched him out the sides of his ridiculous pointy shades until Jake noticed and then they flicked back forward and he speed up slightly.

"Welcome to the home of the Hot Hotties," Dave announced at an empty table and plopped down with his food, releasing Jade's hand. Dirk sat himself somewhat more gracefully down beside him. The cousins sat across from them after slight hesitation.

Jade looked around at the otherwise pretty full cafeteria while Dave babbled on, this time not quite audibly.

"Dave," Dirk cut his brother off, and not even looking at him, flicked him expertly between the eyebrows.

"Ow. What the fuck was that for?" Dave complained. "You are such an asshole."

"No one else sits here?" Jade asked before an answer could be given to Dave's inquiry, if there was one.

Dave rubbed his forehead a bit as he spoke, "Okay, so maybe you're thinking, Hot Hotties must actually be some kind of loser's club, but that's not true at all. Just exclusive as shit. Others know they don't fit the criteria. Respect."

"The hypothetical Loser's Club also thinks we are kind of weird, to be honest," Dirk admitted, causing Dave to turn and stare at him.

"You don't say that," Dave was probably more shocked than offended. "It's like, the only rule." He then turned back to Jade and Jake, as if to save face. "We have friends, I swear. They just don't go to school here. Also, I literally have thousands of followers on my blog. Shits practically worship me. God of the internet. People sacrifice their time and bandwidth to my almighty shrine. I actually have this comic, maybe you've heard-"

"Jesus fucking Christ with a pipe, Dave, will you shut the hell up for even a minute?" Dirk cut off his tirade again.

"Bro, you got a bit painfully literal there. And probably blasphemous. Also, rude."

Dirk sighed and amended, "Look, we invited them, right?" he indicated the new kids with his hand. "Are you going to fucking let them say anything, or just talk about yourself until voice devolves into a whispered ramble indecipherable from the hum of general background chatter?"

Dave gave a sort of shamed pout and popped the cap on his apple juice.

"Sorry," Dirk tossed over to the other two somewhat awkwardly, then added, "No pressure."

"So!" Jade interjected into the following silence in a somewhat overly cheery manner. "You heard our introduction in class, but you haven't even introduced yourselves with all this."

"I'm Dirk Strider," Dirk said and then pointed his thumb over to his twin. "And the rambly one is Dave."

"Hey, I don't ramble," Dave said in contradiction to established evidence. "I'm not sure exactly what the word is for what I do, but it's definitely much cooler than rambling."

"Dave, the difference between you and me is that I actually have a space between thinking something and saying that thing."

"Seems like a waste of time."

"Um." Both the Striders' heads turned at the same angle to look at Jake when he spoke. "So, are you fellows identical twins, or...?"

"Nah," Dirk shook his head slightly. "Fraternal. Although, we do look a lot alike anyway. We'd question it, but there are reasons to know that we aren't exactly the same without doing DNA analysis."

"Yeah, like how Dirk has the gay gene, and I don't," Dave put in, but immediately had a moment of regret when he saw Dirk's head turn slowly toward him. He had a brief moment of illogical horror where he thought it might turn all the way around like in The Exorcist, but it stopped. On him. "Shit, sorry. I thought we were being all open and friendly and crap and I forgot that you don't like the g-word regardless."

"Gay?" Jake repeated hesitantly.

Dirk's lips tightened and he turned back away from his brother, much to Dave's relief. "Is that something you have a problem with?" he asked.

"No!" Jake shook his head profusely. "Not at all. Why would anyone have a problem with being happy and jovial?"

Dirk took a moment to just stare at him, wondering if this kid was actually the type to make in fun of him. He had a brief temptation to take off his shades, but it was no match for his desire to keep them on.

"And I..." Jake continued under Dirk's shaded scrutiny. "I think I'm confused."

Dirk relaxed his muscles that he hadn't realized had tensed. "Are you actually even from this planet?"

Jake huffed up again, although not nearly as much as he had in reaction to the insult of his favorite film. "Now look here-"

"No." Dirk shook his head and then collapsed a bit to rest his head in the palm of his hand. The slightest tinge of a smile came to his lips and his voice softened. "I actually find it really endearing."

"I meant that he likes dudes," Dave clarified.

"Oh," Jake said simply, then turned his eyes back to Dirk, whose smile had faded like an illusion. "Oh," he repeated, then turned back to Dave again. "There's a gene for that?"

"The hell should I know? Do I look like a nerd?" Dave put down his juice box and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"Dave's a shitty liar," Dirk said casually while looking at his food. "He could probably teach biology class." He took a bite right at the end of the sentence.

"Hey, I told no actual lie there. I think. But why'd you have you out me like th-" Dave's brain took the moment to actually rewind a few sentences for once. "...Oh yeah."

"I actually love science."

The voice was Jade's and Dave looked up at her beaming face like it suddenly belonged to an angel. "Yeah?" he asked.

"Mmhm!" The corners of her eyes did the little happy crinkle thing.

"Then let me lay down some science for you," Dave said, then cracked his knuckles. Jade raised her eyebrows and opened her mouth a bit, but didn't speak. Dave closed his eyes a moment and put the hand on his brother's side up at about head level, then pointed it to Dirk. "Give me a back beat, bro."

Dirk complied with almost no hint of hesitation and Dave cleared his throat.

"Just 'cause you know 'bout cellular division  
Don't let nobody treat you with derision  
I can lay down some science and still be cool  
Anyone gives shit, then I say 'schooled!'  
G to the C to the A to the T  
Talkin 'bout nucleobases, you know me  
G to the C to the A to the T  
'Cept if it's RNA, then U don't see T  
And other sciences be funky too, ain't no fable  
You know chemists do it periodically on tables."

Jade's smile pressed in and almost seemed to tremble for a few moments during his little performance.

Dave looked back at her. "So, what did you think? Cool or what?"

Her teeth broke out again and her eyes shone with glee. "Sooooooooo coooooooool!" she exclaimed with exaggerated enthusiasm before laughing into her hand.

Dave nodded almost reverently. "You get me Jade." Then he turned to his brother and hit his shoulder with the back of his hand. "Dirk, she gets me."

"...Although, my favorite is actually physics," Jade added with a grin.

"Oh, burn," Dirk commented between bites of his lunch.

"No," Dave shook his head a Dirk and then flipped back to Jade. "I mean, I can work with that. Here: ...Let me tell you 'bout the space/time continuum-"

"It's okay!" Jade cut in. "Maybe you can save it for another time."

"Yeah, sure." Dave nodded maybe a bit too much. "I can save my creative energies for later. Not that I don't have a practically fucking boundless supply. Like all up in here," he pointed to his head, "all most too much creativity, has to find its outlets and shit. Otherwise you could get electrocuted by all that raw creative power. All like-"

"I think I can tell!" She laughed again.

"We also have different eye colors," Dirk added somewhat randomly after taking a swig of soda.

"Oh yeah." Dave nodded toward him. "I probably should have said that first, huh?"

"Or only."

"Nah, bro," Dave said confidently. "That line of conversation led to a sweet rap. So sweet. No fucking regrets."

"So, mind if I ask you another question?" Jade asked.

"Shoot," Dave responded.

"I'd be a tad more careful how you say things, if I were you," Jake told him with a grin of his own. "Jade's a crack shot with a rifle."

Dave dropped the plastic fork he'd just picked up to eat his carrots. "Seriously?"

Jade nodded in confirmation. Jake continued, "Our grandparents are big hunters. They taught us since we were small."

Dave shook his head in bewilderment and perhaps slight fear. "That has got to be illegal somehow. It ain't right. Damn."

"I guess on your own private island, nothing is illegal," Dirk mused.

"Anyway, in light of that," Jade forged ahead, if anything a bit more satisfied at the last reveal. "I was kind of wondering what your intentions are? Is it to be friends or just to hit on us?"

Dirk nearly spit out his drink. Dave gulped.

"Well, I-" Dave began and looked to his brother for help.

"We never held any assumption that either of you were even into guys," Dirk started, but didn't continue.

Dave picked up again, "Yeah. I mean," he shook his head to clear it, "we want to be friends. I mean, not that I'd rule the other out if you were into us. Not that it'd just be 'just' that. Like, friends come first and if you didn't want anything else, that'd be cool. Not saying that we want something else. ...Not saying that we wouldn't want something else. Just. We aren't douches, okay?" He turned helplessly to Dirk, his mouth still moving with no audible words coming out until, "...Foot?"

"Yeah, kinda," Dirk told him, but tilted his head in a sympathetic gesture. "But I'm not sure I could have done much better on that one."

Dave seemed to take this as assurance and calmed down somewhat.

"We didn't make this too awfully awkward with all this, did we?" Dirk asked the cousins.

They shared a glance between them.

"Well..." Jake started and swallowed. "Unfortunately, I seem to have an awful habit of making situations awkward myself. So perhaps between us we can treat instances of such awkwardness with feelings of camaraderie."

"So...friends?" Dave asked with a tinge of uncertainty.

Jade smiled again. "Friends," she told him.

Dave nodded and both him and Dirk ghosted the same smile for a second.

"And so the expansion of the Hot Hottie Hall of Hotness has been approved and made official, meeting adjourned," Dave announced, making a little bang on the table with his palm. "...Which I guess means we can eat now."

"Dude." Dirk sat back in his chair, making the front legs lift off the ground. "You are basically the only one that didn't finish already."

Dave looked around the table to examine the evidence and found that it was true. "Oh."

"I would hazard to guess it was because you were talking nearly the entire time," Jake told him.

Dave made a 'tsk'ing sound. "Don't sass me."

Dave ate quickly, somewhat embarrassed at himself, then spoke up again when he'd gotten through everything that didn't taste rank cold, "It's just, every day we sit here all the fuck alone and it's just me pretty much talking to myself the entire time, while Dirk occasionally makes sarcastic comments, and we thought it'd be kinda sweet if we had some other people with us," he lost the falsely boastful tone to his voice and poked at the cold remainder of what once had been reasonably edible food.

"Oh?" Dirk's voice rose in false shock. "You mean that's not what we're doing right now?"

Dave looked back up sharply. "I fucking swear, if that was anything but an ironic reference to the self demonstrating trope, I will literally flay you in your sleep." He actually ventured to put some of the gross cold shit in his mouth, and immediately regretted it.

"Here," Jade said, going into her bag and offering him a granola bar. "If you're still hungry."

"Thanks," he said as he reached to take it from her. He opened up the package, eating the contents post haste.

She smiled at him warmly, and Dave felt the warmth down in his stomach. And maybe it was the food. Or maybe it was from getting such a smile from a girl he kinda liked. Or maybe it was the warmth of friendship.

...Nah, way too fucking cheesy.

**Author's Note:**

> The Hot Hottie Hall of Hotness is actually a thing in real life. So far as weird facebook groups formed back when fb was college-exclusive and groups were the most interesting thing you could do on there are a thing. It was basically a bunch of silly nerds pretending we thought we were hot shit. Which is how I see the Striders and especially Dave.


End file.
